Ambivalence, (noun) the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.
The grass was slightly damp and the sun hot, high in the clear blue sky. It was endless. That's the best part about the sky, that it goes on forever. It's the last time I will have the opportunity to be in this place, in this moment. At least for a little while.
I'm scared and excited all at once. Ambivalent, if you will allow.
I feel strange.
I feel little more than lost.
There is a slight chill in the air as another tropical storm rolls in. I am worried it is going to rain. But only vaguely aware that it would ruin the afternoon. I know it wont. I know it wont, because it never would. I know the universe wouldn't have let the rain ruin this day. It is a good day. Despite the minor emotional breakdown of the morning and the almost unbearable urge to burst into tears at the thought of leaving I know it will be all right.
The contorting, wisps of smoke from a freshly lit blunt bring me back to reality, out of my musings. Chatter filled my ears as I let in the sound particles that made up the excited chatter from my friends back in. I would miss them I decided. Half wouldn't even register I wasn't there, and the rest were about to start their own lives. University, college, new countries and adventures of their own. Acceptance.
I'm scared I'll miss Chloes new boyfriend. I wont be there if they break up. She'll have a new life.
I'm scared that I'll never see Alice or Chrissy again. They're probably the only people that really cared when everything fell apart.
I'm scared I'll never get to know Kamo better.
In less than 18 days I will be leaving lovely South Africa and my little slice of comfort in Johannesburg to tackle the big, wide world. I'm a excited, nervous and scared. In that order. I know it will be amazing and that I'll have the time of my life, but you can;t blame me for having a few anxiety attacks in between.
I'm scared of the Australians.
I'm scared no one will like me, or I'll hate it.
I'm absolutely terrified I'll be cold. It seems silly to say, but i'm a cold person and I hate being cold.
The pull at the back of my neck reached the point of no return and I knew my brain would soon surrender to the pull of the substance. I inhaled deeply, feeling the burn a the back of my throat and the expanse of my lungs. Turn on. Tune in. Drop out. This is my favourite part. The only part worth it I sometimes convince myself. I know it isn't true. Many times I feel tingles in my toes and fingers. 'The Octopus Moment' I fondly call it in my head.
I'm swaying back and forth.
I'm excited to leave. To start somewhere new where I have a clean slate and no one will know. I'm excited for all the new things I'll be doing. All the different people. I'm thirsty for knowledge and my finger tips are itching to create new things. Its seeping out of every pore. I'm enthused by all the possibilities.
I'm alive tonight. Dead tomorrow.
A strange feeling of uncertainty of the future and the past. A subtle mix of fear and anticipation.